Ep. 104: TTYL—Texting Tips You’ll Love with Dr. Mimi Winsberg❤️
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Romantic relationships are a key driver of personal wellness, and these days texting is the main way people communicate when dating. In her just-released book, Speaking in Thumbs, Dr. Mimi Winsberg (pictured above), a Harvard- and Stanford-educated psychiatrist and Facebook’s former in-house psychiatrist, examined how to connect better online with potential and existing partners. Here, she’s in conversation with Medcan clinical director of psychology, Dr. Jack Muskat. “Texting,” says Dr. Winsberg, “is now the lingua franca of love.”
LINKS:
Order her book, Speaking in Thumbs: A Psychiatrist Decodes Your Relationship Texts So You Don’t Have To.
Pew Research Center study: The Virtues and Downsides of Online Dating.
Psychological Science in the Public Interest study: Online Dating: A Critical Analysis from the Perspective of Psychological Science.
Learn more about relationship therapists John Gottman and Dr. Sue Johnson, both cited by Dr. Winsberg in her interview.
INSIGHTS:
Online dating offers us far more options than in-person dating ever could. But Dr. Winsberg says that’s not necessarily a good thing. “When the choice gets too large for our brains to process, it becomes very hard to decide,” she says. Too much choice also leads people to continue looking for the next best thing, rather than settling into a current relationship. [6:44]
Trends in a person's style of texting can reveal things like how warm they might be, or how easily they open up. “For example, a certain recent former U.S. president used a lot of capital letters and exclamation points in his tweets. That may betray a certain level of authority and narcissism,” says Dr. Winsberg. “A person who uses a lot of ellipses may favour innuendo over getting specific.” [12:05]
“When people are communicating, they're naturally trying to use language that is similar to the language of the person they're communicating with,” says Dr. Winsberg. This is called “language style matching,” and it can mean that the person you’re chatting with is interested in you, or that you are compatible with them. Look for similarities in tone, text length or use of punctuation and emojis in your early communications with potential romantic partners. [13:02]
Chemistry is a key element in attraction, explains Dr. Winsberg. “It’s the feeling of ‘je ne sais quoi’ where you seem to understand each other immediately.” In contrast, compatibility is your ability to exist harmoniously and happily with someone else. When you’re online dating or communicating through text, think about whether you’d like a relationship with an emphasis on chemistry, compatibility, or a certain balance of both. “Chemistry without compatibility will typically make for a short, smoking-hot relationship,” says Dr. Winsberg. “Emphasizing compatibility might make for a less exciting but more emotionally stable ride.” [15:43]
The main advantage of texting? “The waiting time between messages allows you to emotionally modulate before you're giving a response to a difficult question, or something that might have triggered you emotionally,” says Dr. Winsberg. To avoid misunderstandings, the psychiatrist suggests trying this: Before sending your response, take a second look at it, and try to read it the way it might come across to someone else. “You don’t know what state that person is in, when they’re texting you,” she says. “Ask yourself what they are going to take from it.” [19:11]